at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
