i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
