He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
