He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
