I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
