Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
