And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
