She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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