You work out of a Hotel?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
