I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
