My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
