just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
