mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
