Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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