I need help removing her.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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