Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You dont lie about slip and slides
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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