yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
