Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my liver is dry heaving
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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