My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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