So drunk its hurt
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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