He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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