Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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