My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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