I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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