i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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