I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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