seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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