Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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