she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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