Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
