living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
