dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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