i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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