we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
