I looked at my own cervix.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
