take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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