I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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