Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
