On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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