I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
