took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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