they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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