We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
