i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
