Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
