Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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