why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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