I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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