Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
