Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
