My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
