I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
