I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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