He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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