I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
