Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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