when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize