whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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