I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
