There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
