I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
